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say something sarah.
“maybe we could find new ways to fall apart?”
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Promises, anticipation, disappointment,
We never keep our promises.
And I only have a knack for calling people out on this, because disappointment hurts less if I can see it coming. Or is it the only way around…
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Wednesday/Thursday midnight.
Come on. What do you really want?
I want clarity. I want to understand, everyone, and everything. Like that knowledge won’t kill me.
I want to hold hands, and walk people through their problems, I want someone to just sit with me, continually, until I have enough strength to get up and push myself to do something with my life. I want that someone to not be a boyfriend. I don’t want to be so dependent. I don’t want to have to be another girl, clingy and desperate for a boy to make everything better just because that’s the way the media portrays happiness. Which is, lets not lie, pretty appealing. I want girls to be happy with themselves. I want happiness for more people. Contentedness for others. And vision for others still.
I want the courage to just ask straight forward questions. I want to see things people think. And think of thoughts as trails of colours weaving in and out of other trails making one big tangle of colours. Who are we to say who is right and who isn’t. We make gray of everything. Although I don’t quite know how to handle that, I just want to listen to people talk.
I tangle myself with too many things. My doubts, my insecurities, my psychobabble, and mass personas. Why do I want more tangles? Because it’s interesting. And who doesn’t want interesting?
Lastly, I’d like world peace for everyone.
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And once again I am left disappointed again.
Grasping at things that have left me go.
Because everything I have placed in priority mean nothing to the keeper,
Which makes me feel;
like I am the fool.
Like last time.
At which I wished was the last time.
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Monday morning.
I guess it’s nice that I reach uni half an hour early every day, it just means I get to choose a random couch and just sit by myself for thirty minutes and contemplate each minute that goes by. Solitude it nice. more people need to understand it. And not question me when they see me by myself.
Also, it is rather cold. Hurry up Melbourne, stop being so pms-y, is today going to be cold or hot?
Quote
“I fear that you will learn the lessons of beauty and injustice
That the poetry that a body can create will abandon you.
The gifts of your own strength and passion will be dulled before they are even born
I fear that you will cease to learn from flights.”
— the poem that Alex Berlin reads to Erica in the forest, S1E3, Plenty of fish (via fybeingerica)
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17 facts about yours truly, because I missed my bus.
1. Began love affair with climbing trees in kindergarden when my teacher found me and my friends up in a tree and called us monkeys.
2. I’ve since never been afraid of heights.
3. I got asked my worst fear on camera at my deb, and I said it was something trivial like spiders or odd socks. Spiders I think it was.
4. My worst fear is someone I know taking their own lives, if I could’ve done anything to prevent that.
5. I’m a big believer in talking yourself out and walking through your issues with other people.
6. I am a believer in God.
7. I still doubt. A lot. But I continue I work/walk through it.
8. I didn’t wash my hair last night even though I worked.
9. Buses are beginning to frustrate me.
10. I love the relationship that is shared between all bus drivers. A beep, a wave, a smile shared between drivers every time they pass.
11. I met three of my friends randomly on the bus just now…and now but in the past by the time you read this.
12. One of them just said “when you do something intensely, you improve at it”. I agree with that.
13. I worry about half arsing my way through life and consequently for those who do already.
14. I adore scarves and after a full season of winter wearing scarves my neck feels naked without it.
15. I have been trying very hard to wear a scarf to Uni every day, I’m doing well I think…
16. I cannot think of three words to describe myself with, since when I start out I always think of abort contradictory quality, and feel horrible that I’m so many things but not one thing at all. Sort of like how I spend my time.
17. This post was only meant to have 15 facts but I enjoy allying about scarves and then added another fact in to you tell you about my mishap. But since I love you all I’ll add another.
18. I am still not at Uni. As in this public transporting is taking so long.
Post
angry enough to not be able to sleep.
Because my perfect world cannot exist, and I have grown up too sheltered to not be able to deal with this and people.
Call me naive but I still want to believe every person can act humane.
so why don’t they?
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horrified we are still ranked during university.
well Sarah, you always knew you could never escape this.
will I ever be enough for the world? Will society never stop judging me and pushing me to be top, to know and have the understanding that you are better than 99.90% of the population? To have the coveted position of number one, reserved for only one? And then to have the arrogance or naivety to let it consume your worth?
I will never be enough in their eyes.
But I am enough for me.
But it still don’t sit right.
